Jeff Cutler – columns, essays and opinions

This is the second version of the Podcamp Boston feature I prepared for a client earlier this summer.

Forging Connections in New Media – the value of Podcamp Boston
by Jeff Cutler
Correspondent

Steve Garfield couldn’t stop talking about meeting a woman from his neighborhood at last week’s Podcamp Boston 3. Both are photographers from Jamaica Plain.

Podcamp is an unconference built on the premise that hallway conversations are as important as session content. Garfield might have never have crossed paths with this woman at a traditional tech conference, but the unconference model encourages attendees to make connections and educate each other.

As with any conference, there were planned sessions. But that didn’t stifle collaboration in the hallways or regular posts on Twitter (a group text-message service) during the show.

Some messages alerted podcampers to room changes or speaker adjustments. Some broadcast what was going on in the room where they sat. During the keynote, most tweets (the 140-character messages carried on Twitter) were quotes of the speakers or requests for the location of other attendees.

According to Garfield, the relationships that come from Podcamp Boston are valuable.

“What I get out of these Podcamps is meeting new people and making new relationships with new people,” said Garfield. “And also making existing relationships I have with people stronger.”

For all its free-form stylings, the podcamp product does have six rules. These are:
1. All attendees must be treated equally. Everyone is a rockstar.
2. All content created must be released under a Creative Commons license: http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-sa/3.0/
3. All attendees must be allowed to participate. (subject to limitations of physical space, of course)
4. All sessions must obey the Law of 2 Feet – if you’re not getting what you want out of the session, you can and should walk out and do something else. It’s not like you have to get your money’s worth!
5. The event must be new-media focused – blogging, podcasting, video on the net.
6. The financials of a PodCamp must be fully disclosed in an open ledger, except for any donor/sponsor who wishes to remain anonymous.

And an unconference can have its bumps. A room change at the last minute left attendees scrambling to find the right room. And some equipment challenges stalled the beginning of a session. But the podcamp audience is versed in using technology to solve problems.

Half an hour into this year’s event, Jim Storer of Burlington-based Mzinga used Twitter to ask if anyone could find portable speakers for a session that was happening in room 214.

Room and speaker changes were also broadcast to all attendees using the Twitter tag #pcb3.

That on-the-fly use of technology underscores what co-founders Christopher Penn and Chris Brogan hoped would happen when they started Podcamp Boston in September 2006. They wanted an event where the people were the essence of the conference. Where the experience and knowledge a person had would enrich the lives of other attendees.

Penn, Chief Technology Officer at the Student Loan Network, explained the unconference model as a “conference put on by its participants.”

Since Podcamp Boston 1, there have been 41 podcamps worldwide. So why do the same people keep attending?

The unconference bug bit Phil Campbell after he attended a couple podcamps. This geek from the United Kingdom decided Brogan and Penn had come up with a formula that worked.

In less than a year, he had nearly £10,000 in funding and started Podcamp UK.

“The thing that happens at podcamps,” said Campbell. “Is that the people who are looking for something tend to organically gravitate toward the people who can make those things happen.”

Boston resident Adam Weiss has helped organize each Boston podcamp and feels that the way people share information continues to change.

Weiss used to create audio podcasts for the Museum of Science. It was a low-cost way to share science knowledge with a broad audience. It gave science fans a resource they could download at their leisure. It gave the Museum another way to add value to traditional exhibits.

Weiss is now a podcast consultant and explained that podcasting is becoming commonplace, as is the sharing of information at unconference models like Podcamp.

“It’s starting to become a lot more mainstream,” he said. “So you get a mixture of the people who really know what they’re doing and know what they’re talking about – the geeks again – but also you get a lot of people who want to learn about this. One of the exciting things about an unconference is that it’s either cheap or free, and everybody arrives as equals. So you can go, even if you don’t know anything, and just talk to these people who are experts in the field.”

Brogan, VP of Strategy & Technology at CrossTech Media, said, “There’s a lot of technologists and a lot of media makers and a lot of forward-thinking people on the Boston scene.”

Smart people are necessary ingredients to an unconference, according to Penn. He said the first unconferences were formed with a simple thought.

“Let’s put a couple hundred of the smartest people we know in a bunch of rooms together for a couple days and see what happens,” said Penn. “That’s really the essence of this unconference idea. It’s the participants and what they bring with them makes it work.”

Podcamp Boston 3 was held July 19-20 at Harvard Medical School’s Joseph Martin Conference Center.

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Jeff Cutler is also a podcaster, and is halfway through a one-year writing sabbatical. His progress reports are available at www.jeffcutler.com. Jeff can be reached via email at jeff@jeffcutler.com.

If you have comments or questions about the event, please leave them here in the comments section. If you’d like to have me cover an event for your publication, send me an email.

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Tags: Chris Brogan, christopher penn, feature article, Harvard, Podcamp Boston 3, steve garfield, unconference

For a number of years, I’ve been hanging around with a crowd of new-media folks. These people introduced me to Twitter and and showed me how to use other technological connective-tissue applications to converse with and learn from smarties.

Now I’d like to give back. Here is how you, too, can get unlimited Internet access on your iPhone for $19.99 a month without a contract. And thanks to Steve Garfield for suggesting I create a column detailing my technology win.

——————————-

*Any similarities to my experiences are purely coincidental, I am only telling the story in the first person because third-person writing requires a better technique than I’m willing to exercise at 9:38PM on a summer Saturday. Anything quasi-legal that happens/happened in this shared recount is purely anectdotal and you can assume that it never happened. Especially to me. ESPECIALLY the unlocking and jailbreaking of an iPhone – which we all know is against your terms of service.

As I sat in the portable hammock trying to text message a friend on my crummy Verizon LG phone, I got a call from a fellow podcaster. He sounded gleeful, so I tried to quickly get him off the phone so I could continue pouting and fighting with my phone. But he wouldn’t be deterred.

This friend, let’s call him Jason Calacanis, pressed on and urged me to ask him what he was doing right now. I blithely said that he was talking with me and he snickered.

“No, what am I doing right now?” he insisted.

I said he was probably being chauffeured in his Tesla Roadster. He laughed again and said that he was playing with an iPhone and it was a better gadget than anything he had ever seen as CEO of Netscape.

I said, “I doubt that,” mostly because this was an imaginary conversation and Mr. Calacanis has never been to Jeff Cutler dot com. And I doubt that a link to his blog will get a reciprocal action, but who really knows. But I digress. On with the technical aspects and details to getting your own iPhone running on a data plan that will only cost you $19.99 a month.

This friend said that he was cruising the Internet with ease and could check his email anywhere…even in the bathroom at the Rowe’s Wharf Boston Harbor Hotel.

I asked how and he said that he only had to pay $200, sign a two-year contract and pay about $80 a month for a mere 400 cellphone minutes and all-he-could-eat Internet access.

I feigned excitement and said, “Really? Could I get bent over for a grand total of $2000+ just to check my email, send IM’s, read Web pages and Twitter from anywhere?”

He said that I was just jealous, and inside I agreed. I was struggling with Verizon’s crappy Wireless Web on a miniature cellphone screen. I had no access to my own POP email and I wasn’t able to access AIM or Twitter. I wasn’t sad until this friend pointed out my woefully unconnected situation. Then I was miserable.

So I set out to find a way to make myself happy.

First, I scoured Craigslist. I looked for a first-generation iPhone. I wanted to find one in perfect working order. No damage. No crazy stories from the seller. I wanted the ‘grandma’s creampuff’ of iPhones. I found it.

In Jamaica Plain, there was a gentleman who had just upgraded to the newest iPhone and was trying to sell his original 4GB model. He had spoken with a handful of people about the phone and they had all fallen through. Then I came along.

We traded emails and the man said he was waiting on one last buyer who seemed a little flaky. If that fell through, the phone was mine. I held my breath and checked my email regularly. Then the message came…the phone was mine if I still wanted it.

I pounced.

I met him at his house and gleefully handed over $220. The phone was pristine, in perfect working order, included the box and the original cleaning cloth. He even said I could call him with questions about working the phone. Best of all, when he got the phone he purchased AppleCare – a transferable insurance policy on the iPhone that covers it against pretty much everything except malicious damage.

For just over $200 I got a perfect iPhone with a warranty that won’t expire until July 2009.

I got it home and played with it for three days. I was Wijacking all over the neighborhood and throughout Boston. It wasn’t too difficult to find an unsecured Internet access point and checking my mail and getting online was easy. Then I went to a Tweetup (a face-to-face gathering of technology folks) at John Harvard’s Brew House in Cambridge, MA.

There was no free Wifi. There was no unsecured access. I was bumped off the ‘Net. While people like Steve Garfield and Peter Kim were able to hop online with their gadgets, the only happiness I could find was an excellent caramel bread pudding and a mediocre draft beer.

I decided that the next day I would solve my access issues.

A search online brought me to…

iClarified – a site that shows you how to unlock your first gen iPhone and how to jailbreak any iPhone

iPhone Freak – a site that had a rumor about a MediaNet plan that AT&T was reluctant to offer

Wireless and Wifi Forums – where some people have asked if AT&T would chase them down if they got data plans only

and AT&T’s own Forums – where they simply answer YES to the question about putting MediaNet and unlimited Internet on a Pay as You Go plan

Here’s the skinny on what I did and how easy it was.

1 – Unlock the phone. Your phone must either be out of contract or unlocked via the iClarified method on their site. Otherwise the phone and iTunes will want you to activate the phone on a contract.

2 – Go to an AT&T store that sells prepaid SIM cards (keep your iPhone in your pocket). Not all AT&T stores sell these so make a few phone calls to find a store that does.

3 – Buy a SIM card. Any denomination. I bought a $100 card and popped it in. Choose the $1 a day and $.10 a minute plan. Don’t worry, you’re not using the phone as a phone – if you are, you might be better off with a phone plan from T-Mobile or AT&T as it will get expensive to make calls on the phone.

4 – Activate the phone with the code the salesperson gives you.

5 – Once the phone is active, call 611 (the customer service line at AT&T – a free call) and add the MediaNet unlimited feature for $19.99 per month. The larger MediaNet plan is $39.99 a month and includes unlimited text messages. You can add text messages pretty cheaply if you’re not texting more than 200 times a month.

6 – After adding the MediaNet plan, you can access the Internet via AT&T’s EDGE service for free, unlimited. Your account has been debited $19.99 and you’re good to go.

In my case I won’t be making calls on the iPhone because I’m locked into a contract (remember how bad contracts are) with Verizon for the next year. When that contract is up I will look at what phone plans are available with data via T-Mobile and AT&T.

Any questions? Put them in the comment section here. I’ll answer them as best I can.

See you on the ‘Net.

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Tags: cambridge, iPhone, Jeff Cutler, MediaNet, unlimited Internet, wifi, wijacking

This is the first version of the Podcamp Boston feature I prepared for a client earlier this summer. Sometime over the weekend I’ll share the second version of this article.

Podcamp Boston 3 – A Tech-Centric Event About Making Connections
by Jeff Cutler
Correspondent

Podcamp Boston is a blank canvas where tech professionals, bloggers, podcasters and anyone interested in new media can paint a masterpiece.

That’s how Podcamp co-founder Christopher Penn described the opportunities offered at this annual unconference, the third edition of which took place in Boston July 19-20 at Harvard Medical School’s Joseph Martin Conference Center.

Penn, Chief Technology Officer at the Student Loan Network, explained the unconference(cq) model as a “conference put on by its participants.” Podcamp is an event where people can meet, collaborate and learn about media and the technologies people are using to communicate.

Of the 466 paid registrants for this year’s event, many have their own blogs or podcasts (see sidebar).

In geek-speak, this material…be it videos on YouTube, blog posts online, or even downloadable audio…is all classified as content. The people at Podcamp are a self-described collection of content creators and media makers.

But Podcamp is more than a gathering of geeks, and an attendee need not have her own podcast or video blog to participate. Podcamp is part of a movement focused on the way people connect with others, how they entertain themselves and how they share information.

There have now been 41 editions of this unconference worldwide beginning with Podcamp Boston in September 2006.

Chris Brogan is the other Podcamp co-founder and he believes that an unconference is ideal for people to learn about technologies that allow them to connect with others. He contends that Podcamp offers something for everyone, especially people new to using technology.”

“Who we’re trying to reach are the people who we think need to know more about this media,” he said. “So we might reach into businesses, we might reach into educators, we might reach into healthcare, and places where you would not expect your attendee base to come from for an event about media.”

In the hallways at Podcamp, you can’t walk 30 feet without encountering technology. iPhones are commonplace and session updates are handled by sending out alerts via a group text-message service called Twitter.

Many have attended a Podcamp previously, but they come to Boston out of their desire to stay connected with the podcasting world.

Adam Weiss began listening to podcasts in 2003 and helped organize the first Boston Podcamp. This Boston resident attended Podcamp Boston 3 to stay on top of frequently changing methods and technologies in podcasting. For Weiss, this is more than a hobby, it’s his job.

Weiss used to create audio podcasts for the Museum of Science. It was a low-cost way to share science knowledge with a broad audience. It gave science fans a resource they could download and enjoy at their leisure. And it gave the Museum another way to connect with the community and add value to traditional exhibits.

Weiss now makes his living as a podcast consultant and his current projects include audio walking tours of different cities – http://www.audisseyguides.com – and a regular interview-based podcast called Boston Behind the Scenes, http://bostonbehindthescenes.com. This show has featured everyone from Duck Tour drivers to a homeless man Weiss saw regularly during his morning commute.

While these behind-the-scene interviews might attract a small audience, Weiss said that NPR and major broadcasting networks make their programs available in podcast form and their audiences measure in the thousands.

Weiss explained that podcasting is becoming more common, as is the sharing of information at an unconference model like Podcamp.

“It’s starting to become a lot more mainstream,” he said. “So you get a mixture of the people who really know what they’re doing and know what they’re talking about – the geeks again – but also you get a lot of people who want to learn about this. One of the exciting things about an unconference is that it’s either cheap or free, and everybody arrives as equals. So you can go, even if you don’t know anything, and just talk to these people who are experts in the field.”

One such expert is Steve Garfield, a video specialist who lives in Jamaica Plain. Apart from Garfield’s willingness to share video and photoblogging techniques, is his genuine interest in attendees.

“What I get out of these Podcamps is meeting new people and making new relationships with new people,” said Garfield. “And also making existing relationships I have with people stronger.”

Those types of connections are common at an event that has been built on the collaborative energy present in the Boston tech community. According to Brogan, “Boston has a really great tech scene.”

He mentioned the Berkman Center for Internet & Society at Harvard, MIT’s media labs and a number of meet-ups (informal gatherings of like-minded people) as examples of how Boston nurtures advances in the adoption of technology.

“There’s a lot of technologists and a lot of media makers and a lot of forward-thinking people on the Boston scene,” said Brogan. “Adding in the newer wave of social media users like PR and marketing types, there’s quite a groundswell of people really passionate and interested in some aspect of making media, distributing media and using content to build relationships.”

That passion has spawned similar events all over the world. After attending an earlier Podcamp Boston, Phil Campbell, founder of http://www.me.dm, decided to establish an unconference for users on the other side of the Atlantic. He raised nearly £10,000 and Podcamp UK took place last September.

“The thing that happens at Podcamps,” said Campbell. “Is that the people who are looking for something tend to organically gravitate toward the people who can make those things happen.

Penn explained that through the use of Google, iChat, Twitter, email and other technologies, people are more knowledgeable and connected than they ever were before.

And it’s through the use of these utilities and the techniques learned at Podcamp, that people are communicating with others and painting their own technology masterpieces every day.

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Jeff Cutler is also a podcaster and is halfway through a one-year writing sabbatical. His progress reports are available at www.jeffcutler.com. Jeff can be reached via email at jeff@jeffcutler.com.

If you have comments or questions about the event, please leave them here in the comments section. If you’d like to have me cover an event for your publication, send me an email.

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Tags: adam weiss, Chris Brogan, christopher penn, new media, Podcamp Boston 3, steve garfield, unconference

From the moment I began hanging around with smart people – the social media crowd, the techies, the scooterists – I’ve become painfully aware that many of them follow schedules that are far more ambitious than the one I’m used to keeping.

There’s a pair of guys who podcast at 5AM each Wednesday morning. Or is it Tuesday? I’ve tried repeatedly to get up and be their in-studio audience, but I can’t do it.

Then there’s the librarian from Canada who spends days helping the forlorn and wayward library visitors, then she restarts her day by participating in lectures, meetups, intellectual and social gatherings, and by writing her insightful and fun blog.

Don’t even talk to me about people like Laura who are parents and still find the energy to entertain and inform thousands of followers on Twitter while seemingly being everywhere at once.

Lest you think I’m an artisan who listens with one ear to his muse while carefully ensconcing himself in his delightfully soft Bob-o-Pedic, settle down.

I am active. I attend functions where smart people abound. And I’m regularly informing and pleasing tens of people with my candor and opinion. But this little ditty isn’t about being active and energetic. No. It’s about the consequences of keeping alternate schedules in a society that is pretty staid in its patterns and norms.

Take for instance the caramel custard I ordered for breakfast the other day while undergoing my Remicade infusion. The little snack was tasty, but its appearance left a lot to be desired.

Then I realized that if I was getting infused at 7AM and ordering a dessert from the kitchen at the same time, when was that item created? Yes. Sometime the previous day.

So I shouldn’t have been surprised to view the stale edges of the custard or the slimy substance that had coagulated under the dessert. And I definitely shouldn’t have been shocked at the consistency of the ‘whipped cream’ on top of the snack.

Oh, I ate it because I was brought up to finish the food I asked for (another time I’ll tell you about having to finish about 12oz of Ketchup with a spoon because I had been haphazard in my pouring technique).

But I wonder if the custard should have remained on the shelf and a safer choice would have been creme brulee French Toast or something more time-appropriate.

Have any stories to share about how your schedule is at odds with your environment? Leave your tales in the comments here. Thanks.

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Tags: childhood, Crohn's Disease, energy, ketchup, new media, pudding, Remicade, schedules, smarties, spoon

I’m jetting off to a writer’s conference in a week and I’m also taking part in another conference in the middle of October. The conference for which I have to travel is in Atlanta and will certainly give me an opportunity to better my skills, network with other writing pro’s and columnists, and allow me to enjoy a scenic mini getaway.

The other conference is online in the middle of October and will offer me everything except the getting-away part.

I’ve never done an online writing conference, but from my research I’ve heard that it can be as useful and content-rich as you make it.

Here’s a banner and a link from the organizers of the online conference. If you can’t get away to the Society of Professional Journalists’ event next week, I suggest looking at this event or something like it to help hone your skills.

Here’s the link.

The organizer tells me that the deadline to sign up is September 1, so you’ve got five days!

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Tags: atlanta, conferences, journalism, online, online muse, travel

The one problem I’ve had all my life has been that I’m a semantics freak. I’m a holdover from times when people would get irritated if phrases were misused or words were spelled incorrectly. It seems that the category of people who care about language and messaging has morphed into a collection of messagers (or messengers with messages) focused on the speed with which a message can be delivered and not with the accuracy or efficacy of a message.

Here’s a billboard that I saw last week in Syracuse, NY. Please tell me (leave a comment on this post) what you see wrong with the message.

Wait a second. I don’t want my comment fields filled up with angry pro-choicers or pro-lifers battling for their particular cause. Just tell me what’s wrong with the words in the message.

That’s right. The word CHOICE was used by a clearly pro-life group. What a horrible copywriting mistake.

Why would you ever validate the opponent’s tagline or cause descriptor by using it in your own messaging?

And worse, the way this billboard is written leaves the discussion open.

I’m not telling you which way I lean, but let me argue both sides.

PRO-LIFE: We are using their messaging against them. Bwahahahahaha. We are showing them that abortion isn’t a good choice.

PRO-CHOICE: Let’s rejoice. The opponent just wrote that abortion is always the wrong choice, which means they have finally come to their senses and realize that having a child IS a choice. They have given validity to our cause.

From a purely semantic point of view a different word would have worked much better and stifled any joy the pro-choicers could take from the messaging.

I posit that this tagline would be stronger, more direct and less assailable.

Abortion is a decision nobody can live with.

It turns ‘choice’ into a decision. It implies finality. And it connotes the serious message I’m sure the pro-lifers wanted to convey.

I guess they’re not too proficient at teaching communication skills in church.

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Tags: abortion, choice, church, fetus, life, new york, opinion, school, semantics

I’ve been away for a week and I’m sorry I wasn’t posting regularly to Bowl of Cheese and to Jeff Cutler. The reasons are simple, I clogged my brain with so many great images and story ideas that I was unable to break loose and jot any of it down. Until now.

Can you imagine being a prisoner at the State Fair? Who would believe you? How would you escape?

Or what about the evil side of society that preys on the young, infirm or just oblivious? The fair is a perfect place to lose a wallet, a cell phone, your car keys or even your child.

Certainly the fair is a great place to begin a story, but what about the journey to another city? The roads in our country are manned (and womaned) by people who wouldn’t qualify to drive in other countries because their skills are so poor and their attention is so distracted.

Wouldn’t a great play be one where it’s just the dialogue between two passengers? How about the exchange between two road-weary drivers as they fight for a parking space at a rest area? Or better still, the chatter from the GPS as a tool to tell the audience what’s happening as they look backward into the car and watch the family?

Just winging out some brainstorm fodder and ramping up for a productive week. I’ve already posted a number of times at Bowl of Cheese and will be adding a few more posts here in short order. Stay tuned and if you have great jumping off points for stories or articles or even opinion pieces (I have a great one for my next blog entry by the way), share them here in the comments section.

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Tags: brainstorm, carnival, column ideas, fair, thinking new york

Last night I went out to dinner in Boston’s North End. I was lucky enough to get a window seat overlooking Hanover Street.

While enjoying the Restaurant Week fixed-price menu (and I say enjoying to be polite, the meal wasn’t that great), I spent some time admiring and deconstructing the fashion and fitness choices some people had made. For the most part people were wandering by with ice cream or pastries in their mouths, so you might be able to see where this commentary is headed.

That’s correct. People are BEASTS.

When did it become so important to keep a parcel of food in one hand and a black and white cookie shoved into our face? Are people inordinately concerned that Al Gore and the other eco-fatalists are right and we’d better plump up now before the planet turns into a sauna?

Granted, there’s a perception that fat people float pretty well and one of the first regions to go “glub-glub” will the the Northeast. But I’m not sure fattening up on Mike’s Pastry is the way to save your body and soul.

It might taste good for a moment, but I blame this particular activity for the subsequent fashion disasters that follow.

For instance, when was the last time a tube top looked good on anyone? Settle your PC instincts for a moment – this is an innocent statement -but the only time a tube top works is when the woman wearing it is about 11 because there is usually nothing to cause the garment distress.

I assure you that tube tops all over Boston were screaming for help as they struggled to hold up flesh and fat for which they were never designed to contain.

Men are no different. Barrel-chested would be a compliment for the 20 or so guys I saw wobble past the window. I certainly wasn’t doing my physique any favors by mowing down three courses, but I didn’t follow it up with a fistful of cookies and a trough of gelato.

Perhaps this is too graphic for some, or maybe it hits a little too close to your lap. But where are we headed as a nation and a people and a civilization if all we can think to do is stuff stuff in our gullet?

I’m tempted to call the groups that recently studied fitness and nutrition levels in the Boston area schools to find out more. But it’s a sunny Tuesday morning and I’ve got to get to breakfast.

I am not even close to literally starving. Although I am hungry.

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Tags: Boston, breakfast, dessert, dinner, ethiopia, fat, fitness, food, nutrition, starving

One appears at SavvyAuntie – where if you recall, I’m their uncling columnist.

The other appears at Made to Order Bikes in Atlanta. I contribute to them occasionally.

Enjoy both and please leave comments on the respective sites.

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Tags: atlanta, knowledge, Made to order bikes, nephew, niece, savvyauntie, uncle, uncling

This is a pure, in-the-shower idea. Meaning it came to me while I was in the shower and listening to Coulton’s music.

As some of you are aware, I did a 90-minute interview with the musician this spring and have been shopping a feature on him to various publications. Either he’s already jumped the shark or has too much ink, but buyers have been very scarce.

That hasn’t dulled my affection for his songs and for the depth with which he must have thought out the lyrics. As the title of this column indicates, I’m going to go through the song ShopVac and give my thoughts on various passages.

If you don’t have the song, google ShopVac Coulton and you’ll find a copy you can purchase or just listen to.

Here we go. First, take a quick read through the lyrics then I’ll give my thoughts on stanzas (are they stanzas or just paragraphs if they’re posted in text?) 1, 3, 5, and 8. I welcome your comments. Further, if you’re an editor reading this and want an article crafted from the Coulton interview – please drop me a note – jeff (at) jeffcutler dot com.

We took the freeway out of town
We found a place to settle down
We bought a driveway and a swingset and a dog
You got your very own bathroom
I got my very own workshop in the basement

We sit around staring at the wall-to-wall
Take field trips to our favorite mall
Waiting for the day when all the kids grow up and leave us here

If you need me
I`ll be downstairs
With the shop vac
You can call but I probably won`t hear you
Because it`s loud with the shop vac on
But you`ll be OK
Cause you`ll be upstairs
With the TV
You can cry and I probably won`t hear you
Because it`s loud with the shop vac on

We hung a flag above the door
Checked out the gourmet grocery store
I bought a mower I can ride around the yard
But we haven`t got real friends
And now even the fake ones have stopped calling

Maybe if you forget to hide the keys
I`ll take a ride to Applebee`s
I`ll come home drunk on daiquiris and throw up on the neighbor`s lawn

If you need me
I`ll be downstairs
With the shop vac
You can call but I probably won`t hear you
Because it`s loud with the shop vac on
But you`ll be OK
Cause you`ll be upstairs
With the TV
You can cry and I probably won`t hear you
Because it`s loud with the shop vac on

I like the Starbucks here that`s better than the other one
Because the other one`s not as good
They really need to put a light there cause it`s hard to turn
It`s hard to make a left turn

And when it`s time to go to bed
I`m still awake inside my head
I`m floating up above the house and looking down
I guess I gotta go back there
I guess there never was any other answer

And as the freeway hums the cars go by
The headlights roll across the sky
Many miles away and I can see them speeding through the dark

If you need me
I`ll be downstairs
With the shop vac
You can call but I probably won`t hear you
Because it`s loud with the shop vac on
But you`ll be OK
Cause you`ll be upstairs
With the TV
You can cry and I probably won`t hear you
Because it`s loud with the shop vac on

Stanza 1 is the quintessential set of info that you need for this journey into Coulton’s head and actually into the head of the guy who’s the protagonist in Coulton’s story.

As you can tell, it’s a simple tale of leaving the big city and moving to the suburbs. But everything is seemingly measured by parts of the house instead of the parts of the people. Except maybe the private bathroom. But that’s a cultural belief that men have about women and their need to spend inordinate amounts of time in the bathroom.

The swingset and dog speak to not knowing if the couple wants kids. Get the swingset in case. Get the dog as a replacement if we don’t have kids.

And the workshop is just a symbol of the guy’s power or skill in taking care of things. Just like he took care of things (interpreted) by getting the house.

Stanza 3 is really the refrain. Not being a music person, I think I’m labeling things correctly. Gimme a shout if I slip up.

In this set of lyrics, Coulton lays down the groundwork for the daily grind the couple will encounter. Even though they’ve escaped from the city and moved to their dream palace, they haven’t solved any of the issues or differences between them.

I liken this to the wedding-day thought process some people cling to. Although a wedding is a gateway to the rest of a couple’s life, it’s just one day. Unfortunately, some men and women place a huge amount of significance on that one day and invariably face a post-wedding letdown after the big day.

These two fall right into that. The song is only three and half minutes long, so we don’t get to follow them along their dating, courtship, marriage, first apartment/condo. What we do see is that they fall right into their lifestyle patterns regardless of locale.

The words are genius. “You can call but I probably won’t hear you.” That’s brilliant. Passive-aggressive AND accurate. Gives the guy an added excuse if he’s not aware or receptive to the woman’s tears.

It also shows how aware of relationships and human nature Coulton has become over his musical career.

Stanza 5 is deep and dark and short. It speaks to the woman’s practice of hiding the car keys because the guy gets a little distant and runs away from his life by taking a ride in the car. It could be a hint to a dozen things – like an affair or a drinking problem or gambling or just plain avoidance.

But the third line in that set gives us an answer. It’s clear that the guy goes out and drinks regularly and comes home bombed. We don’t know if he beats the woman, but we know he’s out of control enough to puke willy-nilly and that measures like hiding the keys are necessary.

It’s a gloomy existence even if it is sung fast with a fun beat and vocal style.

For a second, Coulton jumps to social commentary when he talks about Starbucks and there being one on every corner and the insanity of a society in which this can happen. Then he’s back on the guy’s thoughts.

In stanza 8 we finally get a deeper view into the man’s psyche. It gives listeners a solid peg on which they can hang the rest of the song and understand why the tone of the other passages is so fatalistic.

The man is “awake inside my head” and evaluating his life. It’s the only escape he has and probably the one he might end up taking if things don’t change for the better. I envision a suicide in this guy’s future or perhaps just drinking himself to death to avoid his life.

When listening, see if you can make out what the news reporter says about a man going berserk with a shotgun. Nice touch.

The final lines that show he succumbs again to his existence is “I guess I gotta go back there; I guess there never was any other answer.”

I wonder if he was trapped in this relationship. If he wasn’t strong enough to get out. If it was an arranged marriage.

Coulton leaves some questions unanswered. But isn’t that the beauty of art that makes you think?

If you need me, I’ll be upstairs….

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Tags: Column, commentary, interview, Jonathan Coulton, music, relationships, ShopVac, society