Jeff Cutler™ – columns, essays and opinions

With just a day left to go before the big Apple event at the Yerba Buena center to announce the new tablet, slate, big iPod, iPony whatever the thing will be called, I felt a pressing need to go on record somewhere I could be heard with my prediction.

Now, you might be having some premonitions if you’ve looked at the title of the post (yes, it is a tip of the hat to Caddy Shack BTW) and you’re probably feeling pretty DARN good about knowing where I’m going. Well, you’re absolutely probably pretty somewhere in the right church, I have no idea if you’re in the right pew – or even if this church has pews or chairs. But iDigress.

Yes, my prediction is that on the 27th of this month Apple is about to launch is first bonafide (say it like Colonel Potter from the old MASH TV series) turd since the G4 Cube (pretty as that was too). And I know you’re saying “But PhillyMac! Dude! You’re an Apple fanboy, an iPhone developer (http://ventipixel.com) – heck you even hosted a popular Mac podcast and everything! How can you say that!?” The answer is: easy.

If all the rumors turn out to be true. If Apple does not surprise us with a completely different device and form factor than we’re getting all indications of, this is going to be a big stinker of a product. It’s going to be the slickest, most high powered heavily marketed chocolate snake since the Edsel. Yes it’s true. And I know I say this at the risk of angering many fans, but my job (as I see it) is to speak the truth.

The tablet market has been one going nowhere and had no one (except for Bill Gates) caring about it for a very long time. OK, OK. Fine, there’s a very small niche that actually does give a crap. But that’s it. This market has no broad or radical opportunities in it like the mobile phone market did, where every device had been crippled by the carriers demands, the tablet has been open forever.

I know. This is Apple! This is Steve Jobs, not Bill Gates! This is Johnny Ives, this is a new and better touch interface! (Well, in theory that’s supposed to be one of the big selling points anyway). And you’re right. It’s all of those! None of them make not a hanging chad worth of difference. This thing is still going to be one of the biggest loads laid at 1 Infinite loop since they had to grab the pooper scooper to pick up the Pippin droppings.

First there’s the price. Heads up here. We’re in a bit of a squeeze right now economically if you hadn’t noticed. This makes a difference when selling a computing device. Oh, sure, Mac sales are still up in a crazy manner. I’ll give you that. But those sales are up on machines that people are using as their daily driver. you know, camera, keyboards, track pads. All the standard inputs that make computers work – especially if you like to do things like say… oh, type an post like this one. Rumors are that this iStinker is going to be between $700-1000 dollars. That would make it a primary machine – not a secondary device like a netbook that you’re going to keep in the living room for your three year old to use as a step stool or a frizbee. Got it? Price on this will be a BIG barrier to entry. #PriceFAIL.

Second, there’s the price. No, I didn’t make a mistake, I just said the same thing. It applies differently. Just as price is an issue that will keep this from being the secondary machine, price is also the issue to keep it from being the new Kindle or whatever book reader thingy you’re going to get. Yes, yes. It has a color screen. Whoopee! So what!? So does my MacBook! But you’re saying that I can watch movies on it too! I know! I can do that on my MacBook already! And you know what, I can read eBooks on my MacBook too! With my external monitor, I can even flip it and use the portrait mode to make it even BIGGER to read Oh, wait. I know, you’re going to tell me it has a great new touch interface. Great. See point one in the paragraph above. #PriceFAIL2.

Third, there’s the market. I know I already mentioned it, but I wanted to make sure you knew it was firmly on my list. Pay attention now or I’m going to box your ears. NO-BODY (except Alex Lindsay, Leo Laporte, Andy Ihnatko and Scott Bourne) want this thing. No one cares! This is one of those things that people at Apple are going to look back at and say “What the bloody hell were we thinking?” This isn’t like the mobile market where we were all desperate for a phone that could really work well and connect us. None of us want to use a tablet. I don’t want writing input, I type about three times faster (at least ) than I can write and when I’m done I can READ what I’ve written. I don’t care if I can use coverflow to find my document if it means that I have to type everything into that document with a virtual keyboard. Sure, I use the one on my iPhone – but that’s my PHONE. #MarketFAIL

Fourth, the size is wrong, Wrong, WRONG. The beauty of my iPhone is that it fits in my pocket. This would fit into my back pack – where it would have to share room with my MacBook because I need a device that has a keyboard and a mouse for all my standard input needs. I don’t care if I can touch the screen to move stuff – I’ve already got enough issues and have to have an expensive chair and weekly chiropractic visits to keep me well enough to function. Having to reach around on the darn input device like I’m drawing on an easel or on a real pad would put me in even more pain. But back to my original point here, it’s the wrong size. This isn’t the device I throw in my pocket with my Blistex and my license. It’s big, I can’t carry it around without thought and it is (as I’ve mentioned already) a secondary device. Let’s see, pick up the baby or spare another hand for the iDoody. Hmmm. #SizeFAIL.

People, please understand. As much as I love Apple. As much as I’d like this new device to revolutionize the world like the iPod and the iPhone – this ain’t it. As much as I love His Steveness, this is going to be another one of his single minded failures – something that gets made just because he’s the big dog at Apple and he says so (like the G4 cube, the hockey puck mouse and the mighty mouse). It makes me sad too.

I’ll admit it. This device is going to come out. It’s going to be pretty and shiny. It’s going to play video. It’s going to he an amazing touch interface that I’m SURE will be a blast to play with in the store (like Minority Report or something) but will be a DOG when you have to use it on a daily basis. I know these guys are the best at User Interface of anyone in the industry, but I can’t think of any conceivable interface based on touch that would mitigate the issues I’ve described above. Yes, I know I’m not Apple – but I am a UI/UX expert with a decade of experience designing interfaces – I can’t see how it will be done.

The device will be beautiful, even powerful. it’ll be very slick. I’m going to want one just because Steve will create a reality distortion field. But, once my head clears and I realize I have no possible use for this – and neither does 90% of the rest of the population – I won’t buy it. I’ll go into an Apple Store and I’ll play with the iDoody. When I’m done, I’ll grab a wipee and the hand sanitizer because really, it’s not hygienic to touch things after doody, whether Apple makes it or not.

BIO:
Phillip is an Award Winning Mobile Device designer, UI/UX Authority, Brilliant Speaker (http://phillymacmedia.com) and the Co-Founder of Venti Pixel (http://ventipixel.com) where they’re busy cranking out iPhone (and other mobile device) applications like their language translation application DoubleSpeak (http://bit.ly/dspeak) and Flame Wars (http://bit.ly/fwtwitter)

Contact:
email: phillymac@gmail.com
phone: 508 65 SHINE (508-657-4463)
iPhone/Mobile Development: http://ventipixel.com
Speaking: http://phillymacmedia.com

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Not for nothing, but sometimes I have a good thought. Unlike that time I borked the job interview at Blue Cross/Blue Shield by being too smart, my good thought a few months ago has resulted in some unfettered glee and the possibility of tens of dollars.

Seriously.

I could be a hundredaire soon and you’ll have to just sit around your local coffee shop and say you knew me when.

What’s the big idea? Well, I can only share a little because there are a few hoops left to jump through, but essentially I woke up one morning in June with an idea for an iPhone app. Really.

I got out of bed around 4:37AM and ran to my computer. After searching the iTunes App Store and not finding anything similar, I send out some feelers to find an app developer who might be interested in listening to a sleep-deprived whacko’s idea for a game.

I found a guy – Howard Nager – and we embarked on a partnership that has resulted in the submission of a game to the App store today!

TODAY!

I’m positively giddy with anxiousness and glee. The game is fun to play and it was great to put together with Howard. But if/when it gets approved, I imagine it will feel the same as getting a copy of my first book did in 2000.

The best part is that I’ve had to keep this thing a secret – mostly out of paranoia – for a few months. And if you know me, I’m a sharer and a chatter. So keeping this a secret has been akin to me refusing a deep-fried Twinkie.

Stay tuned here. I hope to have more news in the next two weeks and will be awarding a few lucky readers with codes for a free download of the game.

Yes, you’ll need to have an iPhone or iPod Touch. But believe me when I tell you that Howard did such a good job with this game that it’s worth the purchase price of an Apple smartphone and the two-year AT&T contract.

What have you done that’s made you grin lately? Please share in the comments!

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I’m an Apple fan and have never hidden that fact. That’s why it gives me great pleasure when stuff like the following video shows up to discredit Microsoft. Enjoy!

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As the world of computing changes, those of us who use computers in our personal and professional lives are faced with a variety of choices. Aside from the platform we use – Macintosh is my choice, but you’re free to use Linux or Windows – there’s a slew of software created to help us work more efficiently or to entertain us.

Alex Payne created a blog post that gave us a list of the software he spent money on but no longer uses. He said he’s not so big on comments – and doesn’t allow them on his blog – so I’m going to comment here on some of his software choices and then give you a few of the greatest applications I’ve got running on my Macbook and iPhone.

Here we go…

Acquisition. The file-sharing software is a godsend. Payne says that he has some regret at this purchase. I think it’s still very useful – but I have yet to upgrade to the pro version. It’s great for finding music, software trial versions and other data online.

Chax. Really useful iChat application and well worth whatever you decide to donate. Payne didn’t like it. I think it gives you more functionality than iChat alone. I like it.

CS3. Can’t live without it. With Photoshop full version, Dreamweaver and InDesign, there’s nothing I can’t do to make my publications, Websites and photos look better.

Pages. This writing program comes with the Apple iWork suite which is well worth the cash. I think I paid $80 for it and I hardly ever use Numbers, but Pages is more versatile than MS Word and allows me to do everything I need to do with words. Seeing that writing is my job, that’s pretty important.

Cyberduck. I’m doing a lot of Web work these days and being able to FTP files is important. Cyberduck is a donation application and I’ve given my share of cash and gotten it back in spades. The program works fast and is always being updated.

Audio HiJack Pro. Fantastic for podcasting and manipulating any sound you put into your Mac. I use it to record and route sound via Skype interviews and Garageband recordings. I think it was about $30. Would gladly pay twice that.

Toast Titanium. Just the best disk-burning software around. Well worth the cash and also an application that’s always being improved.

SuperDuper. If you don’t back up your hard drive regularly, you’re an idiot. SuperDuper is the fantastic utility that can be used for free to do this crucial work. The paid version gives you even more functionality and is definitely worth the $30 I think I paid.

MacSpeech Dictate. I’m only a few days into reviewing this software for a publication, but I’m floored at how easy this software is to use. It’s speech recognition for the Mac that puts everything else I’ve tried to shame. It took me a grand total of nine minutes to train the program and get it to recognize my third-party microphone. Now I’m using it to operate iChat, ‘write’ documents in NotePad and in Pages, and navigate around my Mac. It even allowed me to open a few different apps like GarageBand, iCal and Safari. Retail price on it is $199, and well worth the investment if you’re looking for an easy way to speak your documents and save on typing.

Lastly, let’s talk iPhone. I have purchased one iPhone application. There isn’t anything I’ve found – save a Halloween application written by a friend of mine – that I can see paying money for in the iTunes Application Store. People are paying for a ‘Pull My Finger’ app. C’mon.

So if you’re looking to beef up your Macintosh application list, take a look at my choices. And if you’ve got favorites of your own, leave your comments right here…I welcome them.

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I’m faced with evaluating my recent adventures down in Atlanta from an intellectual perspective. To put it simply, I’m wondering if my jaunt in the south was essentially a sabbatical from the sabbatical.

I was down south helping a friend cope with some recent personal issues and therefore didn’t focus on my writing. I chronicled some of the adventures – Southern Construction and Kayak Madness – but I didn’t get elbows-deep in crafting descriptions, exploring new characters or even whipping a sentence into shape.

Now I’m back in my office and looking at the murk outside. It’s a gloomy day filled with mist, and that motivates me to chip away at some projects and tackle some new ones.

First on the agenda is doing some reviews on Macintosh accessories. It’s a type of writing I’ve done before for MobileMag.com and it’s fun. I have three products to describe and evaluate. Then I’ll likely put the finishing touches on my recap of the first third of the sabbatical.

Then I’ll see what else I can make a dent in before reading some of my mail, paying a few bills and enjoying some downtime sans booze, ribs, loud music, motorcycles and the sun.

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