I have no idea how the water heater works. Each morning, the first person in my household to shower starts off with a tepid barrage of H2O. Nary 15 minutes later, the second person in enjoys a blissful, steam-filled experience of piping hot needles of water. Shouldn’t the person who showers later have a worse experience? Early bird, worm, warm shower and all that?

Why does mail take longer to travel east than it does west? This is probably a condition of the time zones, but could it be that simple? For years, I sent letters to a girlfriend in Chicago every week or so. She sent letters back at the same frequency. Our letter-sending match of tennis had one constant – aside from the fact her letters were astonishingly heartfelt and moving while mine were drivel and simplistic. That was the time it took my letter to reach her was on average 22 hours shorter than it took her letters to reach me.

If we’re using the time-zone defense, I would think her letters would have been the fast ones. As you go west, the post office is open later and therefore can jet mail eastward later into the night than the PO’s on the coast. Whatever. We broke up for reasons that couldn’t be properly explained in a letter, so I guess it doesn’t matter.

What’s with the shell game that shoe manufacturers play? As I’ve gotten older I’ve located precious few shoes that make my dogs happy. Taking some of the blame, I haven’t been proactive enough buy multiple pairs when I find the perfect pair. But my naivety keeps me strolling down a path that tells me a shoe style might stay around longer than four months.

On my feet and in the closet right now are relics of the shoe industry. I have Merrells, Clarks, Reeboks and Johnston & Murphy shoes that are no longer being made. Don’t even start about running shoes and sports-specific styles that buzz through stores as fast as the athletes who endorse them.

You read it here first. As of today I pledge to take the second shower as often as I can, sent mail only from east to west, and stock up on shoes I love. If you see some wet guy at the mall with a batch of postcards in one hand and a shopping bag full of Merrells in the other, give him a wide berth. He’s easily confused and you don’t want to wind up in his next column.

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Post tags: commentary, Jeff Cutler, mail, post office, shoes, shopping, shower, water

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I’m amazed and discouraged that someone like me – a professional journalist and self-proclaimed genius – is so ill-informed about today’s election. Essentially, my main reason for going to vote isn’t to exercise my rights, it’s to find out what the issues are and to see if I can learn something about my community, region and state through the info posted on the ballot.

Today’s election isn’t for the Presidency or any major Senate seats (I think), but it could be a primary of some sort and it could decide certain municipal issues.

The stuff I hope this election addresses are myriad and related to my life. I don’t care much about environmental issues because I think recycling wastes more energy than it saves. But I certainly care about traffic enforcement, maintaining a level playing field for communications and access providers (e.g. making it illegal for one company to hold a town hostage as the only local cable company or phone service provider), limiting cell phone firms’ ability to jack up rates and lock people into plans*, and educating cyclists, pedestrians and scooter operators that the laws of the road apply to them as well as to cars.

When it comes to government matters, I get my information in a bunch of ways. I read the papers, I listen to the news, I subscribe to podcasts, and I search the Internet. And I’m pretty sure I’m only touching the tip of the iceberg. How in the world can I be qualified to decide who is our best next leader?

I can see where some candidates might have gaping holes in their resume (Palin’s kid being pregnant out of wedlock, Palin thinking Alaska borders Russia, Palin thinking the Georgian conflict was unprovoked. Hmm, maybe I just don’t like Palin), but I don’t have any idea what goes on behind the doors of our democracy when big decisions are being made.

Does George Bush make everyone hold hands and pray? Will Obama as president put too much faith in his advisers?

So, as I hop on the scooter and get ready to vote, I bear in mind one thought. At least I’m not basing my decision on who is the best candidate by wondering if they’d be fun at a bar or interesting at the dinner table. I want my next leader to have the interests of the country in mind when he or she takes office.

And I’m part of that country. Today I’m going to prove it with just one vote.

*A recent California court ruled that termination fees levied by cell companies were illegal. I’ll follow that story for you as it unfolds. But wouldn’t it be an even better country if you could change providers at will and wield some of your own power instead of being raped for $.49 a minute?

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Post tags: AT&T, cell phone, Column, commentary, election, obama, palin dolt, palin idiot, Palin pregnant, palin zealot, president, United States, verizon

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As some of you are aware, I did a 90-minute interview with the musician this spring and have been shopping a feature on him to various publications. Either he’s already jumped the shark or has too much ink, but buyers have been very scarce.

That hasn’t dulled my affection for his songs and for the depth with which he must have thought out the lyrics. As the title of this column indicates, I’m going to go through the song ShopVac and give my thoughts on various passages.

If you don’t have the song, google ShopVac Coulton and you’ll find a copy you can purchase or just listen to.

Here we go. First, take a quick read through the lyrics then I’ll give my thoughts on stanzas (are they stanzas or just paragraphs if they’re posted in text?) 1, 3, 5, and 8. I welcome your comments. Further, if you’re an editor reading this and want an article crafted from the Coulton interview – please drop me a note – jeff (at) jeffcutler dot com.

We took the freeway out of town
We found a place to settle down
We bought a driveway and a swingset and a dog
You got your very own bathroom
I got my very own workshop in the basement

We sit around staring at the wall-to-wall
Take field trips to our favorite mall
Waiting for the day when all the kids grow up and leave us here

If you need me
I`ll be downstairs
With the shop vac
You can call but I probably won`t hear you
Because it`s loud with the shop vac on
But you`ll be OK
Cause you`ll be upstairs
With the TV
You can cry and I probably won`t hear you
Because it`s loud with the shop vac on

We hung a flag above the door
Checked out the gourmet grocery store
I bought a mower I can ride around the yard
But we haven`t got real friends
And now even the fake ones have stopped calling

Maybe if you forget to hide the keys
I`ll take a ride to Applebee`s
I`ll come home drunk on daiquiris and throw up on the neighbor`s lawn

If you need me
I`ll be downstairs
With the shop vac
You can call but I probably won`t hear you
Because it`s loud with the shop vac on
But you`ll be OK
Cause you`ll be upstairs
With the TV
You can cry and I probably won`t hear you
Because it`s loud with the shop vac on

I like the Starbucks here that`s better than the other one
Because the other one`s not as good
They really need to put a light there cause it`s hard to turn
It`s hard to make a left turn

And when it`s time to go to bed
I`m still awake inside my head
I`m floating up above the house and looking down
I guess I gotta go back there
I guess there never was any other answer

And as the freeway hums the cars go by
The headlights roll across the sky
Many miles away and I can see them speeding through the dark

If you need me
I`ll be downstairs
With the shop vac
You can call but I probably won`t hear you
Because it`s loud with the shop vac on
But you`ll be OK
Cause you`ll be upstairs
With the TV
You can cry and I probably won`t hear you
Because it`s loud with the shop vac on

Stanza 1 is the quintessential set of info that you need for this journey into Coulton’s head and actually into the head of the guy who’s the protagonist in Coulton’s story.

As you can tell, it’s a simple tale of leaving the big city and moving to the suburbs. But everything is seemingly measured by parts of the house instead of the parts of the people. Except maybe the private bathroom. But that’s a cultural belief that men have about women and their need to spend inordinate amounts of time in the bathroom.

The swingset and dog speak to not knowing if the couple wants kids. Get the swingset in case. Get the dog as a replacement if we don’t have kids.

And the workshop is just a symbol of the guy’s power or skill in taking care of things. Just like he took care of things (interpreted) by getting the house.

Stanza 3 is really the refrain. Not being a music person, I think I’m labeling things correctly. Gimme a shout if I slip up.

In this set of lyrics, Coulton lays down the groundwork for the daily grind the couple will encounter. Even though they’ve escaped from the city and moved to their dream palace, they haven’t solved any of the issues or differences between them.

I liken this to the wedding-day thought process some people cling to. Although a wedding is a gateway to the rest of a couple’s life, it’s just one day. Unfortunately, some men and women place a huge amount of significance on that one day and invariably face a post-wedding letdown after the big day.

These two fall right into that. The song is only three and half minutes long, so we don’t get to follow them along their dating, courtship, marriage, first apartment/condo. What we do see is that they fall right into their lifestyle patterns regardless of locale.

The words are genius. “You can call but I probably won’t hear you.” That’s brilliant. Passive-aggressive AND accurate. Gives the guy an added excuse if he’s not aware or receptive to the woman’s tears.

It also shows how aware of relationships and human nature Coulton has become over his musical career.

Stanza 5 is deep and dark and short. It speaks to the woman’s practice of hiding the car keys because the guy gets a little distant and runs away from his life by taking a ride in the car. It could be a hint to a dozen things – like an affair or a drinking problem or gambling or just plain avoidance.

But the third line in that set gives us an answer. It’s clear that the guy goes out and drinks regularly and comes home bombed. We don’t know if he beats the woman, but we know he’s out of control enough to puke willy-nilly and that measures like hiding the keys are necessary.

It’s a gloomy existence even if it is sung fast with a fun beat and vocal style.

For a second, Coulton jumps to social commentary when he talks about Starbucks and there being one on every corner and the insanity of a society in which this can happen. Then he’s back on the guy’s thoughts.

In stanza 8 we finally get a deeper view into the man’s psyche. It gives listeners a solid peg on which they can hang the rest of the song and understand why the tone of the other passages is so fatalistic.

The man is “awake inside my head” and evaluating his life. It’s the only escape he has and probably the one he might end up taking if things don’t change for the better. I envision a suicide in this guy’s future or perhaps just drinking himself to death to avoid his life.

When listening, see if you can make out what the news reporter says about a man going berserk with a shotgun. Nice touch.

The final lines that show he succumbs again to his existence is “I guess I gotta go back there; I guess there never was any other answer.”

I wonder if he was trapped in this relationship. If he wasn’t strong enough to get out. If it was an arranged marriage.

Coulton leaves some questions unanswered. But isn’t that the beauty of art that makes you think?

If you need me, I’ll be upstairs….

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Post tags: Column, commentary, interview, Jonathan Coulton, music, relationships, ShopVac, society

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This lady is a college graduate who majored in PR and Spanish. But that’s not the remarkable thing. What’s remarkable is that she understands the value of time and family and life. At 23, no less.

If you have a minute or two, spend some time on her blog.

Second, my reading of the questions for the Ethicist podcast came out today.

Listen here

These questions were for Randy Cohen of the New York Times. This podcast is not my gateway to greatness (as my voice is perfect for silent movies and my looks are great for radio). This podcast appearance IS another example of how making contact with good people can result in fun and memorable experiences.

Thanks Randy!

That’s all for now.

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Post tags: commentary, ethicist, Jeff Cutler, nicolena10, NY Times, radio, Randy Cohen

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Self-absorbed businessmen, scantily clad beach-bound women, SUV-driving mothers herding their children, and the relaxed and wobbly older generation all crossed my path.

Most of them jockeyed for position in line or bristled while waiting for their food and drinks.

Oddly, I found that the group with the least time left on earth seemed to be the most relaxed. Enjoying the summer breeze at a patio table next to me was a 55-year-old woman and her mother, who looked to be about 83 or 84.

These two sipped their drinks and talked for the better part of an hour while the world bustled around them.

The businessmen were constanty looking at their watches and playing with their PDAs.

The beach set was determined not to miss a moment of skin-damaging sunlight…so they were in a rush.

The mothers and kids ping-ponged around as if they were trying to simulate the frantic starlings and sparrows stealing food from underneath the outdoor tables.

What do senior citizens know that the rest of the population has failed to acknowledge? Is the journey through life so futile that there’s no need to rush?

Or is each moment – and each chance to be IN that moment – so precious that it should be enjoyed fully?

As part of the people-watching experiment, I parked my scooter in a spot right across from Panera. In the span of 30 minutes, no fewer than 50 cars started to pull into the parking spot before realizing that it was occupied by my tiny two-wheeled vehicle.

Each driver then sped off in a rush to find another parking spot so they could maintain their frantic pace.

Sure, certain tasks need to be accomplished and people have lives to live. But the sheer existence of errands doesn’t demand that people race to get them done.

The mentality reminds me of commuters on the highway cutting each other off in a mad dash to get to the office.

Then, once ensconced in their cubes, these same people gripe about everything having to do with their trip to work and the fact that they’re trapped at a workstation for the next eight hours.

Perhaps they might take a lesson from the older folks at the next patio table and slow down.

A longer commute would keep them relaxed, ensure that they’d be at the desk for less time, and probably mean they’d have a better outlook overall.

Personally, the little break from Web traffic, email and phone calls has given me a chance to connect with society – if only from afar – and regain my perspective on the value of time.

-30-

© Jeff Cutler for Jeff Cutler - columns, essays and opinions, 2008. | Permalink | No comment | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: Column, commentary, Jeff Cutler, life, opinion, panera bread, rushing

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