Autumn Cutlets – or just a list of random thoughts for Fall

November 11, 2013

Fun writers like Andy Rooney (RIP), Dave Barry and Dan Shaughnessy all have bodies of work that include ‘list’ columns. They are seemingly stream of consciousness items these guys jotted down on paper or banged out on the keyboard and then sent to print. I know it’s a lot more strategic than that because I’ve been doing my Cutlets columns for a while. These pieces require thought, timing and careful editing.

Now that I’ve got your expectations appropriately set, here is a list of autumn Cutlets that I hope make you think or even inspire you as the days get a little shorter.

Days never get any shorter, it just seems that way because so many people are afraid to go out after dark.

Sweatpants are softer after you wear them for two or three hours. Jeans are measurably softer after two or three days. If you’re wearing both at the same time, you might be a little soft.

Why do so many people drive faster than the speed limit? Is the speed limit wrong or is it the people behind the wheel?

Things looked so promising when the Celtics were 0-4 earlier this year. Now that they beat a couple of the best teams in the NBA, a lottery draft pick is looking unlikely. Long season to go.

Smart kitchen appliances were the big buzz at last year’s Consumer Electronics Show (CES). I wonder what’s on tap to wow us this year? My guess is audio equipment, smart watches that actually work, fitness jewelry and healthcare tech.

TomTom Fitness watches are already trending in Boston.

There’s nothing more dangerous than letting the general population into the tools section of a Home Depot. These people are the same ones who thought David Ortiz was a runner-up in the Boston Mayoral race and regularly reply to emails from Nigeria.

If the FDA can regulate harmful fats out of the food we buy in this country, why can’t they outlaw cigarettes? Would you rather stare down a cheeseburger with transfats or suck on a cancer stick?

I cease to understand why it’s so important to have a nice lawn. And by extension, why it’s so important to rake up or blow around all the leaves in your yard. It’s nearly Winter, the lawn is done growing for this year. Leave the leaves on the lawn and mow the crap out of it when Spring comes.

The airlines should start charging people for carry-ons. This will make loading the plane quicker, will make the ride much less anxiety producing for everyone who ‘needs’ to board early to get some overhead bin space, and will make people think twice before stuffing five pairs of shoes in a bag for a three-day trip.

I’ve learned – because I own some pretty good camera equipment – that it’s not the equipment that produces great photos. It’s the person operating the camera.

The same can be said of people who drive SUVs. While your car might be capable of navigating incredibly challenging terrain, if you can’t park it without doing a 47-point turn, you should probably get a smaller car.

Short Bus

There are two types of people in the world. Those who like loading the dishwasher and those who like unloading it. Clearly, I am from outer space.

Got any thoughts? Share them in the comments here. Thanks!