October 17, 2007

The phenomenon of the bachelor party has its roots firmly in the fabric of American culture. According to Channel 5 in Oklahoma (of all places)…

The Bachelor DinnerMore commonly known today as the bachelor party, this celebration in the groom’s honor was originally called the bachelor dinner, or stag party. Like many other wedding traditions, the custom has stood the test of time. It first came about in the fifth century, in Sparta, where military comrades would feast and toast one another on the eve of a friend’s wedding. Even today, a bachelor party customarily takes place quite close to the actual wedding date, as it has become known as the groom’s last taste of freedom. Despite the risqué entertainment that is associated with stag parties today, bachelor parties have not always entailed this controversial element. Although rowdy and boisterous, bachelor parties are traditionally organized to allow the jittery groom and his wedding attendants to release some anxieties before the big day.

If you understand the sentiment or description, the bachelor party is just a time for the groom to be to blow off some steam and relax before a life of indentured servitude and mental anguish.Such is the case this weekend (the relaxing, not the servitude or anguish) as a group of 11 guys have descended on an island off the U.S. coast. I’m not going to say here – or anywhere – the real name of this place or the location for myriad reasons. Not the least of which is the oath we took and toasted to with cherrystone steamer broth and the left claws of nearly two dozen lobsters. IT’S NOT MAINE, SO STOP GUESSING.

On the docket for us were activities that included golf, farting, eating, watching the Red Sox, televised football, burping and farting, snoring, renting motorized vehicles and bombing around the island, dining out, terrorizing waitstaff, playing poker, ridiculing each other, singing (with and without accompaniment from guitars and iPods and mandolins), drinking, grazing, chasing wild turkeys who wandered too close to the compound, and then farting, burping and snoring some more.For some reason, the bachelor party image has plummeted in the minds of THE WOMEN. I put that in all caps because in most cases the women are throwing stones from their debauchery-laden glass houses.

I have attended a grand total of hundreds of bachelor parties and only on a few occasions has anything untoward happened. Take for instance the items on this list – they only happened ONCE to my knowledge…

The whole group got tossed out of the Foxy Lady in Providence, RI

One of the members of the bachelor party threw up out the window of the Winnebago onto the hood of a car beside us

A guest had to go to the emergency room for treatment to welts received during paintball

A new imbibing record was set where attendees had an AVERAGE of a case of beer each in a 24-hour period

A pair of strippers moved their bodies in unnatural ways (or so I heard)

One guy threw up into his pants while sitting on the toilet

Other guys – too many to count – have peed into closets, suitcases and hallways thinking they were standing at the urinal

That’s about it, unless you count the thousands of shots, drinks and cigars that have been enjoyed; the ‘incident’ with the sheep in NH; the naked pool party that was the culmination of the night; or the white sausage party.

I’ve gotten sidetracked and I blame it on the serenity of the house at 9AM with snoring coming from nine rooms.

What I’m trying to say is that guys are much better than women. From what I’ve heard or seen in Vegas, women are trying to have that one last crazy night out at their bachelorette party. They get strippers dressed as policemen, they run around dressed in wedding veils, they have scavenger hunt lists of things they must procure (boxer shorts, chest hair, digital photo of body parts are the TAME things I’ve heard about), and it’s a travesty.

Why can’t women be as calm and well-behaved as men. Men who just want to sit around and talk about tools and engines and sports and food. Men who play cards and nap peacefully. Men who rise early to enjoy nature, play golf and celebrate with a fine meal.It’s sad that men and women treat this tradition in such different ways and wish their was a higher level of respect for the bachelor party as a refined celebration and relaxation event and not a slanderous image of whores and illegal substances.

If your experience has been different, I welcome your comments. But to sum up…Men are reverent and kind and women are NOT sugar and spice and everything nice.

More to come…