Boston Opens Cellphone-Free Road!

August 5, 2008

Boston, August 5 – In a move that community leaders are calling courageous, Mayor Tom Menino has declared Newbury Street a cellphone-free thoroughfare.

“It’s been a long time coming, but this great city is…(unintelligible)…of cellphones and the people in big cars and…(unintelligible)…driving on the streets of Boston,” Menino said late Tuesday.

According to audience members who were sitting close to the podium, Menino seemed to either say that Boston has been waiting to become cellphone free for a while OR he said Boston is made up of sugar and multicolored tile.

Whatever the case, citizens are pleased that they can now ride their bikes the wrong way down Newbury Street without worrying that a suburban mom on a cell phone will pilot a pink Escalade into them.

Further, pedestrians who choose to stroll willy-nilly across Newbury’s two lanes of traffic will no longer fear being run down or even beeped at because the drivers will have both hands on the wheel and won’t be distracted by cellphone calls.

Once this experiment has run its course, Menino said that other streets in the city will be incorporated into the cellphone-free zone until cellphones in cars will be outlawed in the city limits.

The mayor went on to say, “Manny Canseco can take his…(unintelligible)…and don’t expect to be…(unintelligible)…when you are back at Fenway.”

Stephen Colbert was passing through Boston and said, “To me, Tom Menino is like a live Mad Lib running your city government.”

Then he named one of the baby penguins at the Aquarium Stephen Jr. and hopped on a plane back to New York.

*Some or all of this report is fictional.

More to come…