Condition This

June 28, 2007

The chopstick falling into my engine was almost dehabilitating in the way it frustrated me. The air conditioner still wouldn’t drain and now the wooden sushi transport tool would probably thwart my efforts to remove it from the engine compartment of my tiny car.

Then, in a classic moment, it would likely jiggle loose during my commute and stab through my tire or worse my brake line. THEN I’d be either flung over the cliff at the side of the highway or I’d slam full-bore into the back of an armored car.

Continuing this train of thought, the accident with the armored car wouldn’t kill me but the angered guards inside would roll out of the truck with weapons drawn and sink 38 lbs of lead into my befuddled visage.

And this was all happening because of Al Gore.

That’s right. If Al Gore didn’t invent the Internet or pull back the curtain and show us Global Warming, none of this could have happened. None of it.
Without the advent of Global Warming, the Scion I purchased wouldn’t have existed because we’d all still be driving large, fun cars.


Allow me to posit here that this ozone issue and its resultant increase in Earth’s temperature are a myth. If they were real, then I wouldn’t have been able to keep my air conditioner OFF as much as I did. Which likely caused the drainage tube to clog and the water to pool in my dashboard.

Then, this pooling water would not have been able to splash upon my feet while I was driving to and fro Canada for work.

And because I wouldn’t have had to unclog this drainage tube, I would not have dropped the chopstick into my engine.

Further, this entire tragedy would have been averted if there were no Al Gore because without him, there wouldn’t be an Internet. And then how would I tell you this tale of woe?

Al Gore, I implore you. Either jump into the race so I can feel good about making fun of you without trying to tie you to real events that only have a fleeting connection to your activities. Or move to Alaska and drape your fat body over some of the receding glaciers to protect them from the sun.

More to come…