July 4, 2009

There have been so many annoying things going on around me that I’ve been frozen in apoplexy.

Sure, I’ve written about a bunch of them in my Hingham blog and I’ve ranted to others about the idiocy of other others, but nothing quite clears the mind and soul like a good smashing right here on Bowl of Cheese.

So let’s get this party started…

Nobody in the United States should have a license. We all drive like donkeys and the licensing process needs an overhaul. We should start from scratch and model our laws and driving regs after the Europeans. Worst offenders behind the wheel are women in SUVs, teens with cell phones, older people who drift aimlessly down the road, ragers who can’t stand to pass on the left or stay back a safe distance, and law-enforcement officials who have never driven the speed limit or obeyed a driving law themselves. Everyone covered? Good.

Food-service personnel should be flayed. Or their managers should be. One way or another I need to know that food preparation safety is being maintained. Idiots who put on gloves and then prepare food, touch money, touch food, touch their crotch and so forth, are just spreading my annoyance and the likelihood that we’re all going to die from salmonella.

Further, if people don’t stop using anti-bacterial EVERYTHING, then we’re all going to be plagued out of existence by something as simple as Swine Flu. That’s right. Swine Flu isn’t that tough to beat. Our regular flu kills upwards of 50,000 people a year. Swine Flu – oh, about 20. That’s right. Do the math and realize that the more you coddle your immune system the more likely it is that a paper cut is going to kill you.

Parenting and pet ownership. This is a major soapbox for me. I don’t care if you are the most well-adjusted and intelligent human in the world, nothing prepares you for parenting. Except maybe quasi-parenting. So, before you create spawn of your own, you should be required to have pets and prove you don’t tire of them, neglect them or make any missteps in their care. Then – and only then – after a period of THREE YEARS MINIMUM – should you be allowed to throw off the shackles of birth control and create your own ‘miracle’. And no, it’s not a miracle, it’s science.

Freedom, as understood by a lot of people, is wrong. Your freedom is not the freedom to infringe on someone else’s freedom, it’s the granted ability to think and act freely without negatively affecting others. Today, we’re going to see millions of idiots shooting fireworks, drinking alcohol and telling boring stories because they think these are their rights…their freedoms. Wrong-o moose breath. Your freedoms are widely misunderstood and until you can articulate them to an eight-year-old you shouldn’t be granted them.

Don’t get me started on lawyers, professional athletes, steroid-using muscle-heads, timeshare salespeople or everyone in the world who thinks they’re a social media guru.

What’s got you ranty today?

More to come…