The Louie/God Interviews

January 7, 2008

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Here’s the transcript of today’s episode…

The following rant is based on excerpts from the new book by Louie Lawent, which is entitled “The Louie/God Interviews (What The Big Fella Really Thinks About Man And The Universe)”

We live in a world where surveys say most Americans say they believe in God. I think there are a lot of liars out there.  Would we really do the things we do if we truly believed God were keeping tabs on us?

Either that or we think we get a lot of free passes because, after all, we’re only human and it’s too hard not to have the pleasure of being mean to others and engaging in lust, greed and all forms of uncontrolled animal behavior.  Are we truly ignorant of what’s expected of a good person?

Let’s say God could talk to me as a stand-in for all of you out there and I could ask Him what he thinks of us and how we behave.  Well, I did talk to Him and He gave me His answers.  Actually, they were more like rants.

Louie:  What is your real opinion of people?

God:  They’re like radio songs that are fine for the car ride home, but you’d never purchase them to be part of your master collection.

Yeah, I think he nailed that one.  We can spend a little time with some people and they’re good in short doses, but it’s easy to get sick of them.  As Ben Franklin said, “Fish and visitors stink after 3 days.”

Louie:  Do you have a guidebook to help make your decisions on Judgment Day?

God:  The Starr Report is any good God’s starting point.

Yeah, Thou shalt not lie when giving a grand jury deposition even if you’re the president of the United States.  I don’t think The Bug Guy will have to spend millions of dollars to get to the bottom of who’s been a naughty boy.  I guess Bill thought that Confession is good for the soul is overrated.

Louie:  Are humans pleased by your performance thus far?

God: I don’t think I could be elected God.  I’d lose to some would-be savior who said, ‘Read my lips – No more sense of shame.’ We have occasional pep rallies in heaven.  While years ago they sang rousing psalms of ‘God for eternity’ now I get a qualified endorsement of ‘4 more years, 4 more years.”

Oh God, what have you done for me lately?  Waaah  (Jeff, “waaah” as in crying) please let me porn it up.  Satan’s got an adjustable sin payment plan that doesn’t come due till 2012.  What’s your counteroffer?  Yea, I thought so…..A big fat goose egg.  Enjoy your lame duck term Savior Boy!

Louie: Any advice for the priests who sexually abused so many people?

God:  Rohypnol in the holy water is a definite no-no.

These men of the cloth believed in God?  Served God?  How could they sleep at night?  I guess that’s the trouble.  They weren’t sleeping.

Louie:  What’s a little-known fact about you.

God:  I put virtual reality ketchup on my steak.

Louie: Why?

God: It’s a cultural thing – the way I raised myself

Isn’t it stupid how people criticize people for the stupidest things.  Don’t put ketchup on the steak.  You cover up the taste of the meat when you do that?You’re insulting the chef.  Well what should I do?  Here, put steak sauce on it.  That brings out the flavor.

Louie: How many times did you create the universe?

God:  Numerous.  As a creator I didn’t want to toy, but the focus
groups were brutal.  Their concerns were about inanities such as light
and shadow and the periods of time between a comet’s visibility.  So to
prove I was a flex God, I relented. However, make no mistake, I only go
so far.  I’m a bend but not break God.

Do we really need focus groups to tell us what’s artistic?  Can’t a radio programmer listen to a song and realize it’s a good tune?  Do I hear Arnold Scwarzzenegger whispering “Girly men”

Louie:  At anti-Satan pep rallies, what do heavenites shout?

God:  “Beat LA, Beat LA.”

Sodom and Gomorrah lives.  And Mickey and Goofy only live 40 miles away.

Louie:  Modern historians are saying that Jesus wasn’t a peasant and may
not have been a carpenter.  If this is true, why weren’t these details
scribed by the writers of the time?

God:  Sloppy investigative work.  The noted writers of the time were
reporting on the Top 10 Prophet Come-On lines while the lowly
stringers were assigned to the blossoming Jesus story.  Jesus gave
few press conferences to set the record straight, often claiming he
had bigger fish to fry and time-sensitive miracles to make.
Also he was willing to let the carpenter tale play out since his
hammers were being auctioned off to raise money for the Tartar sauce &
Yak-churned butter Deprived Ophans Fund.  To expand further, editors
didn’t know whether to treat the story as a straight news religious
one or as a human interest society page pull-out of the carpenter who
dabbles in messianism.

Why can’t we get any story right the first time?  But wait, even when we do, we revise it to get it wrong. Remember Richard Jewel, the hero who spotted the bomb package at the Atlanta Olympics?  He was a hero.  Then he was accused of planting the bomb and discovering it himself so he could claim to be a savior.  But wait, he didn’t plant the bomb.  He truly was a hero.  Who are these accusers and what pleasures do they get out of their accusations?

Louie;  Did the “God only helps those who help themselves” quote come from you or was it falsely attributed to you by others?

God:  This was a direct quote.  I was sick of being the welfare God, the
Santa Claus wish list God.  The Neanderthals were the inspiration
behind it, asking for the stoning of the best loin of saber tooth tiger.
Of course I didn’t say my quote to them.  They couldn’t write and were
terrible with oral histories so I filed it away for modern man but it
gave me a kick in the pants to speed the Neanderthal demise.

Yup, just as I said before, everyone wants it all for free.

Louie:  Are new heavenites interested in history?

God:  They’re interested in heaven’s formation and my early years and some of the highlights.  However the near-term past pop heaven is of no
interest with the exception of prior angel fall fashions.  Also there’s no
interest in the fates of their relatives who died before these
recent deadheads were born on earth.  They don’t want to know who’s in
heaven, hell, purgatory or who’s an earthbound ghost.

Let’s talk about terrorism.  Let’s talk about the financial viability of the Social Security system.  Let’s talk about overpopulation, stress levels, and global warming.  What?  Lohan’s out of rehab?  Oh my God!  Tell me more!  Tell me more! What was she wearing when she got out?

Louie: How do sinners plead their case to you?

God:  They insist that I’m taking their sins out of context.

It’s never my fault.  Or if it is, it’s everybody’s fault so no one has to be held accountable.

Well, there you have it.  Unless God shows up and makes His face known, we’ll go our merry way.  If it feels good, do it.  We can always give lip service to asking for forgiveness to cover our tracks.  One question, among many is “Are we sincere?”
The Louie/God Interviews (What The Big Fella Really Thinks About Man And The Universe)” is available at and at or can be requested at your local bookstore.