Twisted Images – or Fear Factor Jeff Cutler style

February 13, 2008

Here’s the transcript for Bowl of Cheese Podcast 36.

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As I glance around the bungalow from the double recliner I realize that the everyday objects around me could have a life of their own. Similar to the toys in Pixar’s movies, the slippers on the floor, the multiple beer bottles in the trash or the super-secret money-belt on the chair across the room could all be conspiring to affect my downfall.

It’s not that I woke up on the irrational side of the bed today, it’s that I feel housebound and needed something creative and fun to snap me out of it. Usually that means reading some other blogs or listening to a podcast.

Trouble is, the weather outside really is frightful and in 32 hours I’ve left the house a grand total of three times. Once to move the car out of the snowplow’s way. Once to stand on the porch and pay the sushi delivery guy. And once to see if anyone sends regular mail anymore.

It turns out that people do use the U.S. mails to send bills, pleas for money and those really useful bundles of supermarket flyers and SuperCoups. Other than that I suspect the post office is just treading water.

Why else would they introduce a FOREVER stamp…you know, one that is good for first-class postage FOREVER…why would they intro it in the fall and now have plans to jack the rates by another penny in May? That doesn’t make too much marketing sense.

Either does tying up all my savings in Forever Stamps right now so that I can save a penny each time I mail in a bill therefore sticking it to the man.

But right now the only man who’s getting it stuck to him is me. How convoluted a sentence was that?

I’m listening to the heat whistle a little and I realize that the boiler is going to need more water soon, and that means going outside and around to the basement. What was my point? Oh, yes, the incredible frightness of being.

If I spend much more time inside I’ll be a solo version of Jack Nicholson in the shining. Luckily I don’t own an ax and I’m much more stable than these podcasts might indicate.

While I’m regularly contributing items to my things to worry about Web site – yup, just like it sounds… thingstoworryabout dot com – I sometimes have lesser worries that either freeze or motivate me. I think we all do.

Like if I don’t throw out the milk, it will solidify in the fridge door and remain jammed there until I sell the house.

Or that if I keep wearing the money-belt as my regular belt it will start to crack and one day while I’m wandering the streets of Monte Carlo the Euros will show through the cracks and French hoodlums will drag me into an alley to taunt me with their attitude.

Or that the multiple beer bottles in the trash bucket are a clear indicator that I might have a drinking problem. The real problem being that the beers in the bucket at one time belonged to clownface and SHE would be a little less than pleased to find out that all I’ve left her to drink is some Miller Chill and a bottle of flat root-beer.

The flat root-beer is a remnant of the pizza delivery from last night. So I’ve been outside four times in 32 hours. That’s a little better.

Perhaps what I need to do by way of motivation is start a checklist. That way I’ll have some goals to keep me occupied while the weather sorts itself out and while I surge forward toward the sabbatical on March 1.

Sadly, I’ve asked Staples to deliver a white board to me and they refuse. So I’ll sit here in the chair, typing away and thinking about the next set of twisted images that could torment me until the snow goes away.

Hello lamp-post, what’cha knowin’?

More to come…