Worst break-up EVER

February 14, 2008

I’m not good at break-ups. From the time I admitted defeat at the hands of Debbie O’Neil to the “let’s split at the airport and never see each other again” Paris trip, I’m bad at it. I tend to hang on too long and that makes it tough on everyone.

Before CF freaks out – this is a parody entry using past break-ups to illustrate my inability to cut the cord with anything and everyone from businesses to sushi delivery folks.


That’s why it’s no surprise that when I tried to break up with Verizon today, it didn’t take. I assure you that I tried. I used all the arguments – “It’s not you, it’s my need for speed”, “No, you were great”, “It’s just that we’re not in love with each other anymore – we can still be friends”.

I even assured the people at Verizon that I wasn’t going anywhere because I still have the USB modem, home phone service and a cell phone with them. But they clung to me as if they had Lee Press-On Nails of titanium.

The scenario is that I love the Internet. I need the Internet for my sanity and my business (not always in that order). And the complete absence of speed has taunted and haunted me from the day I started with DSL.

I’m 13,000+ feet away from the central office. The tech manuals say you need to be within 12,000 feet to even get the medium service of 1.5Mbps. I need about 3Kbps for my manuscript submissions, photos to newspapers and magazines and podcast downloads and uploads. That’s not happening.

I explained this to the folks at Verizon and somehow I am now the proud owner of a free month of service, a Verizon mug and I’ve been invited to an ice cream social at the Post Office Square HQ in Boston.

Can anyone help me? Now I have Comcast at one end of the house, Verizon at the other, and a whimpering weakling typing this blog post while being bombarded with WiFi signals.

I have 30 days to grow a backbone and truly evaluate which service is better. You might be able to guess already that the 6Mbps that I’m getting (and it clocked 15Mbps on Speakeasy.net this morning) from Comcast is slightly faster than the sluggish 754Kbps I’ve been ‘enjoying’ for five years.

All I need now is the strength to tell Verizon to hit the bricks.

More to come…