Feeding yourself, NRA-style

September 4, 2008

How hard would it be to hunt for your food instead of running down to the supermarket to buy it. Or better still, logging onto PeaPod to order a delivery. Or super-better, having someone cook it for you – like doing the pop-in at your parents or siblings right around dinner time.

In a discussion with ClownFace, and this was a budgeting discussion so I’m typing this now with a stern look on my face, we decided that some people go out to eat far too often. Some of those people are named Jeff, coincidentally.

Therefore, if having any heat or food or clothing is one of my goals, I was informed that I might have to adjust my dining habits. That’s why I thought about hunting for some of my meals.

You might recall the ugly pellet-gun incident of 2006 when I nearly put a neat little hole in the 32-inch LCD I had ‘borrowed’ from my parents for the winter. The gun was originally purchased to kill skunks, but I thought better of it.

Now, were I faced with starvation or the shooting of a little critter that would be different. Or maybe not. On the day I almost bought my parents TV, I was planning on shooting a bird. A measly little bird. In a tree. Outside.

I had the right. The bird was making noise and was trespassing in my yard. So I slid the slider back – because that’s what sliders do – and lined up my shot. But I couldn’t pull the trigger.

Angry with myself for being weak, I went back inside and started to put the gun away. Then I embarked on a loud, self-berating diatribe. Was I a man or a mouse? Could I shoot a gun like a real American? How could I look at myself after shying away from a tiny sparrow?

So I lined up a shot at the switchplate on the bedroom wall. Then, finger tightening on the trigger, I realized that it was a dreadful task to find that matching switchplate. I swung the pellet rifle to the middle of the door and pulled the trigger.

Hollow door. Eight pumps or so of the barrel. High velocity. ALMOST a shattered TV.

So what should I do now about killing creatures for food?

I could hop in the car and run squirrels down. But squirrels are kinda gamey and fuzzy.

I could capture some rabbits. But after I ran at the rabbits the other day I haven’t seen them back in the yard.

I could embark on a healthy quest to eat only Tofu for the rest of my life. But I don’t know where you can catch a Tofu.

I guess I’m just going to have to soothe my hunger – and my anger – in healthier ways. In a few minutes I’m going to hop on the scooter and chase down a Bleu cheeseburger. Then I’m going to the supermarket to get myself a bag of marshmallows to munch on.

And maybe I’ll use one marshmallow to plug up the end of my little pellet rifle.